Whose Definition of Success Are You Living By?

Growing up, my twin sister and I were often compared, sometimes without anyone even meaning to do it. Being twins meant we were the same age, went to the same school, wore the same clothes, matching shoes and hairstyles, and went through many of the same milestones at the same time. So naturally, there was almost an expectation that our paths would look similar too.

I still remember one particular day from secondary school in Nigeria. At the end of junior secondary school, around Year 9, we were recommended for either the Sciences or Arts based on our academic performance. My twin sister was recommended for the Sciences. I was recommended for the Arts. I remember the disappointment on my parents’ faces. My dad especially had imagined both of us going into the Sciences, and I think there was an expectation somewhere that we might eventually become Medical Doctors. In the world I grew up in, Science was seen as the pathway for the really “bright” students, and careers like Medicine carried a certain level of prestige. So, when one twin came home with Science and the other with Arts, you can imagine. 😂

At that age, I didn't have the language, or even the audacity, to question any of it. I just knew the outcome wasn't what my parents had hoped for, and somehow, that made me feel like I had fallen short.

The Expectations We Carry

Looking back now, I don't blame my parents. They wanted us to succeed, and their idea of success was shaped by what they knew, the opportunities they had seen and the society they were raising us in. It makes me wonder how many of us are still carrying definitions of success that we didn't actually create.

We pick them up from our parents, culture, school, friends, workplaces and the people around us. Somewhere along the way, we learn what a “good career” looks like, what we should have achieved by a certain age, how much we should be earning, when we should get married, what kind of house we should have, and what success is supposed to look like. When we hear these things over and over again, they can slowly start to feel like our own expectations. But are they?

When Life Takes a Different Route

Neither my twin sister nor I became medical doctors. Here's the funny part: the twin who was recommended for Arts eventually became a doctor anyway. Just not the kind my dad probably had in mind. 😂. I became a Doctor of Philosophy.

Life has a funny way of taking us somewhere completely different from where we thought we were headed. That Arts recommendation was one assessment of me at one point in my life. It couldn't have predicted the careers I would have, the things I would learn, the risks I would eventually take or the person I would become. I think that's worth remembering because sometimes we allow one experience to become a permanent label.

Maybe you didn't do well academically, so you've always told yourself you are “not smart.” Maybe you were overlooked for a promotion and decided you are not leadership material. Maybe a business failed, a relationship ended, or somebody once told you that you weren't good enough at something. At what point do we get to question those old stories?

Redefining Success for Yourself

One thing I'm learning is that success doesn't have to look the way I once thought it would. As we grow, our priorities change. We change. What mattered deeply at 20 may not carry the same weight at 40. Sometimes, the life that looks successful from the outside isn't even the life we want anymore.

Leading your shift, for me, is partly about being willing to question those old definitions.

• What does success mean to me now?

• What kind of life am I actually trying to build?

• What matters to me in this season?

These questions can be uncomfortable, particularly when the answers take us away from what other people expect of us. Perhaps, that's part of growing into yourself. You are allowed to change direction, outgrow an old dream, become someone your younger self, your family, or even the people around you never imagined.

Reflect: Whose definition of success are you currently living by? Think about where your ideas about career, money, relationships, achievement or who you should be came from.

Decide: Is that definition still right for the person you are today, or are you holding on to an expectation that no longer fits?

Act: Choose one area of your life where you can start making decisions based on what success means to you now, rather than what you once believed it was supposed to look like.

You don’t have to keep chasing an old definition of success simply because it’s the one you grew up with. Sometimes, leading your shift means giving yourself permission to define success for yourself.

Yours truly,

Dr Kenny ❤️

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