Are You Building Relationships or Just Asking for Favours?

I was having a conversation recently about networking and professional relationships, and something from that conversation stayed with me. We were talking about opportunities, the people we meet throughout our careers and how we sometimes approach those relationships. And I found myself thinking about how easy it is to focus on what someone can do for us rather than taking the time to actually get to know them.

Perhaps they work in an organisation we'd love to join, hold a senior position or have connections we don't have. Naturally, we start thinking about how they might be able to help us. Could they recommend us for a job? Introduce us to someone? Put in a good word for us? And listen, there's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help. I've asked people for introductions, advice and opportunities myself. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and let people know what you are looking for.

But the conversation made me wonder whether, in our eagerness to access opportunities, we sometimes overlook something that could be even more valuable: the relationship itself.

What Are We Really Looking For?

We are constantly being encouraged to network, find mentors, connect with senior leaders, attend events and build our professional circles. And I agree that these things matter. I've benefited enormously from meeting people, having conversations and learning from individuals whose experiences are different from mine. I also think we've become so focused on the benefits of networking that we sometimes forget the people behind those connections. We meet someone, exchange contact details, connect on LinkedIn and sometimes the next conversation happens only when we need something. I wonder how often we miss the opportunity to genuinely get to know someone because we are already thinking about what that connection might lead to.

When I look back at some of the professional relationships I value today, many of them didn't begin with me asking for anything. Some developed through work, others through events or conversations that continued long after our first meeting. Over time, we've kept in touch, exchanged ideas, shared experiences and sometimes simply caught up over coffee. I've learned so much from these relationships, and when I think about the people who have influenced my personal and professional growth, many of them are people I've stayed connected with over the years. What I value most is that our conversations aren't always about work or what one person needs from the other. There's a genuine interest in how we are doing and where life is taking us.

There's actually a concept in research called social capital, which explores the value of our relationships and social networks. Scholars such as Pierre Bourdieu and James Coleman have examined how social connections provide access to resources, information and opportunities. What I find particularly interesting is that these benefits aren't always immediate or obvious. The relationships we build today can influence our experiences and opportunities in ways we may not even recognise until much later. And I think that's something worth remembering in a world where we are often encouraged to focus on growing our networks.

Think Beyond What You Need Today

Imagine meeting someone you really admire professionally. You have a great conversation, exchange contact details and promise to keep in touch. A few weeks later, you need something, so you reach out. They help you, you thank them, and that's the end of the conversation until the next time you need something.

Now imagine taking a different approach. You stay connected, ask how things are going, share something interesting, celebrate their achievements or catch up when you can. Over time, you get to know the person beyond their job title and what they might be able to do for you. You learn about their experiences, the decisions they've made, the challenges they've navigated and perhaps even discover things you have in common.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we should start maintaining relationships because we hope they'll eventually pay off. 😂 That would just be transactional networking with a longer waiting period! What I'm saying is that there's so much value in being genuinely interested in people and what we can learn from one another.

I also recognise that we are all busy and can't possibly maintain close relationships with everyone we meet. However, we can be more intentional about the ones we genuinely value. And if you need help with something, by all means, ask. I certainly do. I just think there's a difference between reaching out to someone because you value the relationship and reaching out only because you need something from them.

Reflect: Think about the professional relationships you've built over the years. Are there people you only reach out to when you need something? Are there also people you've learned so much from but haven't spoken to in a while?

Decide: Think about one or two people you'd genuinely like to reconnect with or get to know better. It doesn't have to be someone influential or senior. Sometimes the most valuable relationships are with people who are simply willing to share, learn and grow alongside you.

Act: Send that message. Arrange the coffee. Check in on someone. Share something they might find useful. And when someone reaches out to you, be willing to offer what you can too. Relationships work both ways.

The more I think about that conversation, the more I realise that while we spend so much time trying to expand our networks, we don't always give the same attention to maintaining the relationships we've already built. And I'm reflecting on this myself because, as much as I value the people I've connected with over the years, I know there are relationships I could have made more effort to nurture. Life gets busy, and sometimes we lose touch without even realising how much time has passed.

Perhaps that's my own reminder from this reflection: to be more intentional about staying connected, showing genuine interest in people and appreciating the relationships I already have, rather than constantly focusing on making new connections.

... meeting people is one thing, building and maintaining meaningful relationships is another.

Yours truly,

Dr Kenny

❤️

If this reflection resonated with you, I'd love you to subscribe to Lead the Shift, where I share reflections, conversations and practical ideas to help us navigate change, learn from our experiences and take more intentional steps towards what matters to us.