The Circles That Hold Us

A few months ago, my kids’ cousins had just started at a new school. During their first week, I asked if they had made any friends. One of them, just 10 years old, said something that stayed with me:

I have people I talk to but I wouldn’t call them friends.

I paused. Hearing that from a 10-year-old stopped me in my tracks. There was so much awareness in that simple statement. I remember thinking, wow… kudos to the parents for raising a child with that kind of discernment. At 10, this child had articulated something many adults are still learning to distinguish: not everyone we talk to is a friend. That moment made me reflect deeply because it captures something we often overlook.

Not every relationship is meant to play the same role in our lives.

The Circles We Need

As I’ve grown, I’ve realised we need different kinds of people in our lives.

• We need friends, the people who know us, hold space for us, and tell us the truth. They ground us.

• We need mentors and people who stretch us, those who challenge our thinking, expand our vision, and push us to grow.

• We need allies and supporters, people who back us, encourage us, and open doors.

• We need community, the wider circle that reminds us we belong.

Each serves a different purpose and the mistake we make sometimes is expecting one relationship to be everything. One person cannot always be your safe place, sounding board, collaborator, cheerleader, and growth catalyst all at once.

The Pressure We Place on One Relationship

That moment with my kids’ cousin points to something we often overlook…

• Just because you talk to someone often doesn’t make them a friend.

• Just because people surround you doesn’t always mean you feel supported.

• Just because someone is part of your circle doesn’t mean they are part of your inner circle.

There’s wisdom in knowing the difference because the people around us shape us. Some relationships comfort us. Some sharpen us. Some expand us. We need all three. When we expect one person to meet all those needs, we set them and ourselves up for disappointment.

What Research and Experience Tell Us

Research validates what many of us feel but don’t always name.

Brené Brown reminds us that meaningful connection requires vulnerability, boundaries, and effort, especially in adulthood. Part of that effort is accepting that not every relationship is meant to play the same role in our lives. Her distinction between fitting in and belonging also matters here; one asks us to adapt for acceptance, the other allows us to be known as we are. That difference shapes how we show up in our relationships and what we expect from them.

Mel Robbins often speaks about paying attention to the people who energise us, challenge us, and help us grow. That resonates deeply with me, because not every relationship serves the same purpose. Sociologist, Mark Granovetter reminds us that close relationships and wider connections shape our lives in different ways, emphasising that strong ties and weak ties both matters. These perspectives point to something simple but powerful.

Relationships are not meant to be identical. They are meant to be diverse.

My Learnings

Leading your shift in this context is about building the right circle, not necessarily the biggest, but a circle that grounds you, stretches you, and reminds you who you are.

I’m also learning that discernment is part of growth. Not every relationship deserves the same level of access, energy, or expectation. Some people are for seasons. Some are for lessons. Some are for lifetimes. Learning the difference changes everything.

Reflect: Who in your life grounds you, stretches you, and supports you? Where might there be gaps?

Decide: What relationships do you want to nurture more intentionally in this season?

Act: Reach out to a friend, reconnect with a mentor, or step into a new community that helps you grow.

Sometimes the shift we need isn’t a new plan, it’s a stronger, more intentional circle.

Yours truly,

Dr Kenny

❤️