It’s Not You, It’s Alignment

Years ago, during marriage counselling, we were told: “Don’t go into marriage with expectations. That’s where disappointment begins.”

It sounded wise.

Lower the bar. Avoid the hurt.

I believed it at the time.

And recently, when a friendship I thought was deeply mutual didn’t hold, I heard that familiar explanation again: “Maybe you expected too much.”

But that didn’t sit right. Expectations weren’t absent; they existed on both sides, just unspoken and misaligned.

Expectations themselves don’t break relationships. Misalignment does.

Whether at work, in friendship, or in partnership, this is for those of us who care deeply and sometimes feel like we care too much.

Why Misalignment Hurts

Every connection, whether friendship, partnership, work, or leadership, relies on shared understanding. Expectations naturally arise in the form of reciprocity, effort, clarity, and consistency. The problem is when we assume others see or share these expectations without actually checking.

When priorities don’t match, it can feel a bit personal. And yes, we’ve all asked ourselves at some point, “Did I overdo it?”

More often than not, the answer is no. The real issue isn’t caring or expecting, it’s that alignment was never clarified. Like bringing sushi to a barbecue; it’s great, just not what anyone expected.

Where Misalignment Shows Up

Misalignment shows up more often than we realise, across different parts of our lives:

• Friendships: When closeness or support is defined differently, one person may feel overlooked while the other thinks they are doing enough.

• Partnerships: Emotional labour is often assumed, not discussed: who does what, and how often. When it’s unclear, resentment builds.

• Workplaces: Expectations around performance, growth, or recognition aren’t always clearly communicated. (This is often referred to as the “psychological contract.”) When it’s off, engagement drops.

• Leadership/Teams: Priorities and responsibilities are assumed rather than clarified, leading to confusion and frustration.

Unspoken expectations + assumed alignment = preventable hurt.

The Shift

The solution isn’t lowering your expectations, it’s bringing them into the open. When the connection matters:

• Share your expectations with the other person.

• Communicate what matters as connections deepen.

• Name what the relationship, role, or connection means to you.

• Invite clarity from the other side and ask how they see it.

At work, this might mean checking in on your role, projects, or career goals: clarify expectations, confirm priorities, and align with colleagues or managers.

Think of it like ordering pizza with all your toppings spelled out; no surprises, everyone’s happy.

Reflect: Where might you be operating on silent assumptions?

Decide: Are your standards unrealistic or just unspoken?

Act: Match your effort to what you are seeing (no resentment).

Lowering expectations may reduce immediate disappointment.

But clarity protects your dignity and builds connections that can actually last.

Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about alignment.

Yours truly,

Dr Kenny

❤️

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